A Tour of Our Fun Room

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A lot of you have expressed an interest in visiting the Fun Room. Just last week the Will Strangle You family came over and tried to take a dip in the pool without asking! Well, I am telling you right now: we will not be running tours. It doesn't matter if you aren't human--once you walk through the door, you do not walk out again unless you are a member of my household. That's just how it works. Since I am opposed to killing my own friends and neighbors, I'm sure you can understand why the Fun Room must remain private property.

To assuage your curiosity, however, I have agreed to take some pictures and document a few of the methods we use to pull visitors in and ensure they die in a timely (or not so timely) fashion.


(Ed. Note: Seriously, who looks through those doors and thinks 'Gee, I'd really like to go inside!'?)

We'll start off with one of the Fun Room's oldest and most reliable features: the bigscreen television. When our visitors hear it, or even hear that we've got one inside, they cannot wait to sit down and watch it. They rush in, bright-eyed with anticipation, and then find that the door has shut behind them and the only seats available are bristling with filthy metal spikes.


The pool is another old standby. On a hazy summer's day, visitors can't resist it! Its features include a diving board and a central island stocked with rotted food, but no ladder. It makes me smile whenever I hear our guests splashing about in there, calling for help, making empty threats...


The Fun Room doesn't have any beds, but visitors eventually get so tired that they pass out on the floor. We can't have them getting any rest during their stay, so we got these speakers. They now sit high up on the wall out of reach and pump loud techno music 24 hours a day. Nobody will be sleeping in here! The rest of the house is soundproofed, so we, in contrast, sleep soundly.


The hot tub is also popular, mostly on cold desert nights although we also get the occasional human who doesn't mind cooking himself while the sun is still up. Visitors sit in the bubbling water and make their useless little plans for escape and revenge, attempting to make themselves heard over the constant, blasting music. It's hilarious--I think, anyway, as I can never quite understand what they're saying!


Our cowplant has eaten many visitors in its time. It abhors the dirty ones--the ones who have been here for days without a shower or toilet--but can you blame it? Hungry visitors who have not yet turned themselves into walking septic tanks are picked off quickly, and as a result we have more Elixir of Life than we will ever need.


We purchased this Biotech Station a few months back, hoping that our guests would use it improperly and give themselves diseases. Unfortunately, they won't go near it. I suppose we'll sell it eventually--if there are any humans in the Pyramidopolis area who want a Biotech Station for a reasonable price, get in touch and make me an offer. You pick it up.


A small part of our urn collection. It's gotten so big that we've had to start making aisles!


Visitors flock to our giant bong like flies on--well, you know. They can't get enough of it, even when they're starving and exhausted. I think the drugs help them to deal with the reality of their short, miserable lives.


Some of you have asked about the color scheme. "Why are the walls yellow?" you want to know. "Why is the carpet purple? Why doesn't the place look scarier, with rusty, blood-covered metal and stained tiles everywhere?" It's a rather stupid question, if you ask me.

Our Fun Room is, strangely enough, called the Fun Room. Bright colors are fun, aren't they? The humans like them. Okay, I lied, the humans seem very distressed by them after a while. Apparently they don't want to look at cheerful things while they're dying.

So, you see, bright colors really are fun--for us, if nobody else!


And now you know more about the Fun Room, and knowing is half the battle. So, unless your name is Frank, quit asking to see it in person!

Us In A Nutshell

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With the Fun Room to look after, it's a wonder we have anything resembling free time! However, a balanced life is key to any successful extermination and we're always sure to make time for other things.


We try to take meals together every day, and let me tell you, we never run out of things to talk about. Do you stand by the water cooler and discuss last night's game, or the latest silly human blogs? We go over the previous evening's deaths!


Somehow we've managed to squeeze a child in among all our other responsibilities.


Even as a baby he looked just like us! You can see the family resemblance here.


My name was the first thing he learned how to say. Or was it his other parent's name? I can't remember.


In addition to our child, we also kept dogs for a while. From left to right: Carrion, Remnant, and Nurse, all bred from our own stock. In the background is Asphyxia, one of our foundation dogs. And, of course, there's a starving human in the foreground!


Schism, another one of our foundation dogs. Doesn't he look happy in this picture!


Mannequin, our third foundation dog, rolling in the garbage. Sometimes they're not much smarter than humans!


Mannequin with Nurse and Carrion, both her offspring via Schism. This was taken after she finished up with the garbage can.


Asphyxia liked to watch television on occasion.


Remnant's birthday!


Looking pretty by the hot tub.


Our dogs were always thrilled to spend time in the Fun Room. It was a never-ending source of humans for them to chase and bite!


For some reason this looks familiar, but also like it's missing another dog or something. I can't imagine what it reminds me of...

We no longer have the dogs, but they've gone to live with another family who have a huge kennel and their own bloodline. Pyramid Head Jr. is a child now and we can't wait until he's old enough to don his pyramid!

I hope you've enjoyed this look through our photo album "outside" the Fun Room. There's not much to us, really. We're just a laid-back family who love to make new friends.

Especially if you're human. If you are, I invite you to drop by and watch the game on our plasma television and then maybe hit the pool for a while. :)

Memory Lane

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Our Fun Room has had a lot of visitors since it was built, and this means a lot of pictures! Here is a small sampling from our photo album.

This woman was happy to come inside out of the sun. I guess I should have told her that the Fun Room doesn't have a roof!

New arrivals always like to watch the bigscreen television. For their viewing comfort we've provided several chairs.

The spikes are purely decorative, I assure you.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they're not decorative! This guest was kind enough to demonstrate how very real they are. Being cut with them prompted her to try and leave, but, well, I'm sure you all know how that works out.

Swimming is always a popular activity in our desert climate. Of course, our pool has a special feature: once you dive in, you'll never have to worry about being hot and dry again!

That can be a little much for some people.

Do you have any idea how long it takes for the average human to succumb to exhaustion and drown? They can live for days. I've timed it.

Eventually, though, they all sink.

Did you happen to notice the pool's center island? On it we placed all sorts of nice things, like pretzels and salad and a plate full of crumbs. It ripened after a few days, but I guess a week or two in the Fun Room will make anything smell delicious.

All that food and no chance of getting it! This woman died clutching her stomach and quite furious with us.

We've had a couple of freak winters since moving to Pyramidopolis, then Strangetown. Here we see snow on the ground! Most of our guests weren't dressed for the cold, having been with us since the weather was warmer. The fellow in the trenchcoat was new--you can tell because he's still feeling good enough to worry about the other visitors over himself! Haha, that didn't last long!

Even while dying slowly, some of our visitors manage to disapprove of one another. Or is she approving? She seems to be doing both at once, which just goes to show you that humans are insane.

Just for kicks, we brought a sword into the Fun Room one day and left it for the visitors. I thought they would start killing one another, as some of them fight constantly, but instead this man grabbed it and stabbed himself. Go figure. I guess death by sword was preferable to starving or baiting the cow plant.

That little girl in the background has been with us forever. She just won't die! I don't know how she keeps herself from starving--maybe she lives off the flies that buzz around. We could stab her, I guess, or snap her neck, but she's become sort of a mascot for us over the past few years. I can't imagine the Fun Room without her at this point, honestly.

Some of our visitors are real empty-headed, even more than an average human!

They just stand around and seethe to themselves over nothing.

Sometimes they do this in groups.

Sometimes they even do it from beyond the grave!

As you can imagine, accidents are common in the Fun Room since there are no toilets anywhere. Sooner or later, you are going to wet yourself or worse. Even though it's an affliction shared by everyone, these two still found the energy and the temerity to make fun of another visitor who'd just made a mess. How rude!

The handy viewing window in our living room has brought us a great deal of joy on quiet nights. Instead of watching the television, we sit down and watch our visitors! We feel so lucky to be responsible for the Pyramidopolis human exterminations. It's almost like a genie has come along and granted us the dearest wish of all Pyramid Heads!

The Founding of Pyramidopolis

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The residents of Strangetown should have known that there was something odd about their new neighbors. Their garage was twice the size of the house and devoid of windows, you could hardly walk past it without one of them rushing out to make casual conversation, and most damning of all were the rusted metal triangles that sat in place of their heads, making it impossible to tell if there was anything resembling a human face underneath.


Strangetown, however, had accepted its mad scientists, immigrant aliens and even its killjoy military family, and it did not turn away this newest addition to the ranks. It should have. Had its citizens banded together and driven the Pyramid Heads off before they could get a foothold in the community, they might have averted what came to pass in a matter of weeks.


It started small at first. One Pyramid Head in the workforce, making friends of his coworkers and inviting them home for dinner. Another posting on the local Craigslist, advertising a plasma TV for cheap and requesting only that the buyer come to pick it up at his house.


They had no idea what awaited them. All who showed up were greeted warmly and invited inside, where a pool, hot tub, enormous media center and other delights had been prepared for their entertainment. It was a wondrous place with one tiny catch:


Their demise had been prepared for the entertainment of their hosts. Once they entered the house, they never left again.


Some of the victims--unable to process the idea that such cruelty existed in the world, much less that it could be perpetrated on them--wanted to make amends with their captors.


Some, driven into a rage against the Pyramid Heads, turned on one another and began to fight.


Others went insane.


Many, however, came to be resigned to their fate, and simply collapsed in anticipation of the inevitable.


The Pyramid Heads showed them no quarter and no mercy.


On the other hand, they did have a soft spot for puppies.


Even more disturbing than the constant torture and killing was the fact that, after a while, they started to breed. The sight of their toddler racing about the house once he was old enough to crawl answered the question of what exactly lay behind those pyramids (nothing at all), but it also brought fresh despair to the human prisoners. If they could reproduce, what would stop this madness from carrying over into a new generation of Pyramid Heads?


Just when the townsfolk who had so far evaded capture began to think that the situation couldn't get any worse, barring their own eventual murders, the Pyramid Heads invited their friends to come live in Strangetown with them.

And they had a lot of friends.


Eventually the city was so overrun with Pyramid Heads that Strangetown as we know it collapsed. A new settlement was formed in its place, one with the pointy-headed monsters in all levels of the government. It quickly became a utopia for Pyramid Heads and utter hell to the few humans who still lived there, not to mention the tourists.


The ignorant, oblivious tourists.